The illusion of spiritual journey and self development

As someone who came quite freshly and suddenly to the world of spirituality just few years ago I have encountered so many myths amongst the seekers of truth and liberation. Especially the ones who have been on the journey for decades and have gathered so much experience as someone on their way to the ultimate seeing. There seems to be much beliefs coming from this experience that those people want to pass on.

There seems to be in place a subtle “divine hierarchy” amongst the old seekers who have been with the great masters of the past and they are the new priesthood, the keepers of those secrets, holders of the lineage. I have encountered a well hidden undercurrent of aggression and power games in many forms on my way that have made me go "Ugh.. is this really how it is here in the world of awakening?"

One of the most stuck things seems to be the idea that the journey to truth is long and arduous. The belief seems valid to those professing it because when the previous generations were breaking out of their bondage they had such rigid and stuck conditioning and basically the world around was so much more sleepy that this breaking free seemed as something very hard and painful process.. and so it has been for many, no doubt, but this has lead to a kind of rigid conditioning of it’s own, repeating the mantra “The road to freedom is long and arduous”. One must enter into a lot of self-development work before..

AND

I have done my fair share of this work also and it has had it’s right place on my journey as well. It has been tremendously beneficial to go through therapies and self-development and meditation to make the mind more subtle and open, to make more space inside for a seeing to take place. But on the way I also encountered some abuse and delusions from those who facilitate and lead these things in the form of them putting me in my place for going beyond what the therapist had in mind for me, for not being able to completely compress myself into the framework. That seemed to threaten them and their structure of identity and work that seemed to lead them into a slight panic that caused them to push my head down when I was most vulnerable and open, when something could have been confirmed in a deeper way. In general I got a lot from this kind of work but also I could feel the limitations of it. I was not met as what I truly am, but rather I was an object to be worked upon and I needed to believe and identify myself as the unfinished and wounded, limited human that needed more work and needed patiently to keep going with it and if I work hard enough and succeed to remove all the endless shortcomings and heal all the traumas then I could maybe just be myself.

I felt quite exhausted after so many different workshops, groups, sessions and trainings. I felt the work endless and something just didn’t feel right in continuing in this way. I saw many people I know going group after group working their way towards the goal, counting how near they are to what they imagine to be freedom, when the work is finished.. and then... THEN.. and round and round the wheel spins and I saw almost no difference in them fundamentally, the same stories continued and same patterns came back and even if the patterns changed the same person was still there to celebrate these small victories until the feeling of being incomplete comes again. It is a clever avoidance indeed.

Something in me just felt like dropping it all and allowing my life to breathe again in more natural way. The most funny thing about what happened after that has been that with no effort or interest on my part my life has arranged itself to let everything come in place in it’s right time and WITH NO WORK. Something happened that shifted in me few months after I quit doing groups. I found myself in Portugal in a silent retreat with Mooji and then finally the directness of truth hit me and some recognition took place of something that has always been there in the background like the space where everything seems to happen. It’s something that cannot leave and was not really found either because it has always been there, it has always been me. It is the only constant there has ever been. I had had many things happening to me before too but only as passing experiences, fleeting moments of revelations, energetic releases and shifts of perspective but they were always phenomenal and they were always perceived and owned by the personality as something that came and went and must be had again, deserved and earned with vigorous self-work and practice. This was different though, it’s not the immature running after experiences and personality upgrades but it’s the most simple seeing where all these phenomena’s are seen and there is such easiness in it because it’s the most natural thing. I cannot claim to be a very good spiritual person anymore and there is no need, thank good. I still exist. I am. I stopped trying.

Seeing from that place the faults of personality do not mean anything, they are just a kind of distraction to put attention into and keep playing the game of coming closer, evolving. It was just a small shift of focus and after that the lost parts of me have started to come home on their own accord and integrate because I wasn't out looking for something. The evolutionary part of me has continued as appropriate as a refining and aligning but the truth itself is easy and effortless. The mind wonders sometimes but always the focus comes back to this unmoving presence that cannot leave. This is something that they don’t show you in self-development groups because it’s not their business, they are invested in something else. They are focused on the personal story even if they claim to be about meditation. Same goes with yoga and all other practices. They go on working on the body and the mind, refining them, making them more sattvik, more receptive and pure but the real seeing is not involved or dependent on it, only the person is.. and it can become a long habit especially accompanied with the old beliefs from the world of spiritual people that it’s hard work. For who is it hard work in the first place, then? Who is the one to be worked on? 

It’s a circle feeding itself, a kind of divine joke; The seeking creates a journey and a sense of a seeker. The seeker gets more valid, has a nice sounding spiritual sanskrit -name and gathers more experience on how arduous the seeking is. Then another younger, innocent person feels suddenly something in their heart to move towards freedom, finds a book where someone who has realised their own true nature says something that touches them. They find the older seeker -personality in an ashram or a center who passes on the belief that the way to truth is narrow and long, there are dangers on the way and almost nobody gets to the end but fortunately they have the group/session/product/technique available.

We are now at a point where the human consciousness has become so much more ripe and so many young ones are coming and are already here. Those who are ready for the direct seeing that it simply demands more direct approaches and these new ones are ready for it. They don’t come with all the old crap that the older seekers carry around, they come with clarity and easiness. It’s time to shift gears and let go of many old concepts. At least it’s about time to let go of the need for the hard way to be the only way to truth, time to recognise that we don’t necessarily need to spend so much time simply readying the ground when the new plants come already in growing bags. The ground has been prepared for the new man but will the farmer recognise when it’s time to quit plowing and let the crop grow?

As someone quite young and fresh in this old field I feel the need to say to anyone who wanders to these areas of awakening in themselves please trust yourself and don’t listen to anyone saying you are not ready yet, that you need to get something first, you are too young. These beliefs have been a big hindrance I have come across and they have made me doubt myself because of looking up to others who have more experience than me and who have made a career out of staying there and holding the space and helping others, who are in fact dependant on your stories and problems. If it feels right in the moment those groups can be very helpful but they are simply a stepping stone. One must start from where they are and end up to where they never left. It all happens inside the grace. Could it be this easy? Why not..

What is awareness and shoes and stuff..

I have seen more than my share of videos, speeches, articles, blogs, headlines and posts on all the media, especially the social one, that promotes awareness about something particular that’s supposed to be very crucial to know or act upon if believing the people promoting their causes. Now, Don’t get me wrong. For some people with certain passion it is perfectly right to be active about those matters. My intention here is to look into the matter of awareness itself and how we seem to be oblivious to what it really means beyond the notion of it being just part of the phenomenon that it’s highlighting. It's seen as secondary.

I remember once talking to my friend about awareness when I was very fresh in my journey of awakening and had heard about awareness or consciousness and had had my first taste of meditation. My friend asked “Awareness about what?” ..He just couldn’t conceive awareness without an object to perceive and I couldn’t explain it either. To be honest at the time I didn’t know what I was really talking about other than in conceptual level. I bring it up because it touches how we see our existence as humans. Awareness in itself is kind of taken for granted but all the interest is on the WHAT awareness is pointed at, where it’s focused on. We love to have things to put our awareness to but it’s very rare amongst us to really ask and truly see what awareness is in itself. It doesn’t seem to have any value in itself but still without the perceiver, the source of awareness itself there could be nothing to be aware of either, there could be no experience without the experiencer.

Even amongst spiritual people there seems to be a prevailing idea that awareness is something that grows and evolves and then reaches the height when someone feels the suffering of the whole humanity in themselves, feels everyone’s pain, sees auras and senses presence, feels connection to nature. It’s all very good but not the whole picture. You see, this might be the in a way a height of sensitivity and a good experience to feel strongly that we are not indeed some separate island that needs to win at life on the expense of others… But still there is something that is aware even about that and if then too much attention is given to that and assumed that this is the peak of consciousness then it’s a limitation in itself and therefore creates a limited response. We act prematurely before seeing the whole picture.. or in this case eye that perceives the whole picture. This awareness of all that is felt, when given to the mind to interpret, produces the idea that there is so much wrong in the world and too much suffering and that it must be removed just because one feels so strongly into the suffering of others… Most likely even more than the actual people who are seemingly suffering because they don’t match the standards that we have of good life. If someone is very poor for example we think that according to our desires and needs it should not be so. We become the judges of what is acceptable to experience on this planet.

I would say that this is still a distraction from the awareness itself. When the mind wants that something to hold onto it starts magnifying what it perceives for it’s purposes. It looks for evidence of something unfinished and imperfect that it can put it’s passion into to fix it and feel a sense of purpose and logic which doesn’t really exist in the real world. This is fine in itself but when that is released also as the focus goes back to the awareness that perceives even these kind of feelings then we enter into the realm where everything is seen just fine, as it should be. If there is a need to make some change it will happen automatically but it’s not a doing or achievement. I’m not saying that there cannot be hard work and passion involved in it but there is no obsessive focus on how to make the world a better place or fix things. There is a very relaxed and trusting attitude for everything working out just fine on it’s own and that when an action is needed it will come and therefore be right. There is real compassion in seeing that this seeming suffering that people are going through is exactly what they need to experience at the time and they will find their way when they want it desperately enough, until something in them is finished with the identity and limitation that creates the suffering. We cannot know. We just can follow what feels right thing to do without reference to the past.

I remember and still sometimes have flashes of feeling inferior to some people who are great healers,  psychics or therapists who can be so sensitive and have some very unique talent that I think they must be somehow very special and out of my league, that these people are more aware than me and therefore I need to work more on myself to become more aware. It seems very real and authentic to pursue this extra awareness that I feel separate from. It’s a very subtle trick though; The mind creates a feeling of something missing, something not being here and projects it as an image on the outside to be chased after and worked on. It keeps track on how aware the person is and how close it is to this imagined awareness. How many percentage of enlightenment and how long until the full realisation. This play seems real enough and can make a person run around in circles for eternity. Never being complete, getting closer all the time.. just few more things to heal.. not being quite ready or worth the awareness yet.. Not until I love this person that I hate at the moment, not while I still get angry.. not while there is so much suffering in the world and I can do something to help..

Until..

We raise the question: What is there already that is aware of all of it. Then if we really examine it it becomes obvious that something is aware of the whole play.. the feeling of separation, the getting closer, finding one’s self.. It is all seeing and so it’s all just a play. This is a sudden change of perspective. It’s almost too easy to be true. You are suddenly aware of what was already here. Awareness was, is and has always been. It has never been anything separate and to be achieved. You are it. It is you. Suddenly you realise that the game of seeking was just a fun game happening inside the sought. It was so much fun but maybe something is now starting to feel too small for it. Maybe there is a feeling like trying on an old shoe that you have been wearing for years, even decades. You wondered why your feet have been bleeding sometimes, why there was a sense of unease and pain when you were walking.. and you felt like you need to go to reflexologist. Then you take the shoes off and see that they are actually quite old and dirty. They smell and have been patched up with glue, bubble gum and maybe even duct tape. Once they were so shiny and beautiful but your foot has been growing. You try to fit them on sometimes just to see if they still fit just to realised how uncomfortable it is now. Maybe you realise that you can put on any shoes whenever you wish. You see that when you are at home alone or walking on the beach that you don’t have to even wear shoes at all! You are not afraid of wearing shoes either just because you were stuck with one pair for so long. You can still wear shoes but now you can go to a shoe shop to buy dozen pairs if you wish. Heck! You can even wear wooden shoes or fins for snorkling!

Why do we seem to talk constantly?

Especially being here in one of the most popular holiday destinations on earth I notice a lot of families from all over the world. They all have something in common - they all talk constantly. It’s almost absolutely non-stop chatter when a family comes to any site of attraction.

We as species seem to use language as a kind of bond between individuals so that we find our appropriate place in the pack. The talk is actually much more than the words. It’s also a kind of energetic and telepathic transmission. I see it almost like people are sending their energetical tentacles to probe others around if they are still in consensus with each other and whether some action is needed to restore the the status quo to ensure the survival of the family organism and therefore the individual. This happens on completely unconscious level of course.

I would say from my empirical observations that the average person is very much afraid of silence. Silence is very dangerous indeed. You combine that with some solitude and we will see a revolution in an individual.

Most people are afraid of silence because most people are completely dependant on group-consciousness or to put it even more directly THEY ARE IT. In other words their identity and attention is entirely tied to maintaining a personality which is the interface we use for having a place in the pack. We mould ourselves to suit the needs of the family and culture around us. We use language to check our position with our surroundings and in the violent history of mankind not being part of the consensus has been a danger for the individual’s survival. It always affects the whole pond when one jumps out of the water and makes waves. People in general don’t like that because it feels so safe and comfortable to go with the pack, always check with others what to do, where to work, what to wear, who to marry and when is it appropriate to have children.

So that’s why it’s dangerous to take time for yourself because doubts will come. Eventually all of your personality and habits will come to display in front of you and you will have to discern whether you want to keep it as yours, whether it’s really yours or was it indeed just something you picked up that had nothing to do with you in the first place. You will have to look at everything you believe in and especially who you take yourself to be and that, I would say, is the single most difficult thing a human being can ever do. You have to give up everything eventually when you go into aloneness and you will not find anyone to tell you what to do. People talk about freedom all around the world with very grandeous words but until one has let everything go, including every notion of him or herself all the talk of the freedom is just romantic ideal, a noble-sounding lip-service.

It all starts with silence.

Ps. I actually just googled to find some image to add to this blog and I put "alone" as the search word and all the result were depressed people wearing hoodies in some dark place. It's funny to observe this myth of aloneness being something terrible where one should never go. One should never be left alone and it's even considered noble that somebody should stay with another just so that they don't have to be alone with themselves. It shows how terrified we seem to be even about this notion of having to be alone. It's a myth that only the bravest of us go and see for themselves. Others just keep believing in stories and try to find even bad company not to face it.

Bali Diaries part 3 - Not just peaches and cream

I don’t know where to begin. It has turned out to be a very peculiar time for me in Bali so far. I paid for the house I was supposed to live in for the whole time I was going to be here, almost 3 months together. I thought that I will have such an easy living in paradise. No worries! When I came here the locks had been changed to the house and after 30 hours of traveling I had to deal with the owner and bunch of other people trying to find out what was going on. It turned up that it was far from certain and secure and I had to pay double rent and I still haven’t received back my money from the original payment from the lady who used to live there who is in fights with the land lord. It’s a long story that I don’t want to go any deeper into in public. I decided to move away from the house anyways and I’m doing that in a week from now to a really nice villa nearby and I’m really happy about that.

I also lost my paying card couple of days ago and I’ve been pulling strings together to cancel the card and to access my money in other ways and also to get the money back from the fucked up rental situation. I’ve been sleeping very little and making calls and going around talking to people and trying to arrange things so that I can manage without the card for a while until I get my secondary card to function. Thank god for the internet and amazingly wonderful people around!

In a way I actually enjoy the whole situation because it has placed me into a situation where I have to do one thing at the time because I cannot go ahead of myself. It keeps me alert and on my toes. I almost forgot this part of traveling. It makes me use my capacity to command energies and see what is my actual level of trust.. And I find it’s very good! Underneath the apparent chaos of the situation I feel immense trust that everything will be alright, how else would it be?

I feel gratitude for what I have still at these kind of moments. I find just the right people, the money has always come at the right moment and completely appropriate things happen. I feel one of the lucky ones more than ever now. Even if there is a lot on my plate I feel that everything is just fine. I still have enough money to do whatever I need to do when I need to do it. Something always turns up and I think to myself “hmm.. I’m seeing a pattern of here, It smells a little like abundance”.

Without for example the whole mess with the rent I would have never talked to a very nice lady from neighbour about my situation who happened to own a bunch of top-end villas and turned out I could move in and got a nice deal for it. It feels just perfect for me. Also without this whole experience I never would have known how much potential and possibilities I have for dealing with these kind of issues and now I know quite a lot about different payment methods and cheaper ways to send money which will certainly help me in my future travels and dealings with people from around the world.

You see how there is many ways of feeling about these kind of things and it all starts with what kind consciousness we bring to the equation.. or rather, how much do we limit ourselves with identity. If we have a story of being a victim of the circumstances that limits the options that we can see in any given situation. We give our own significance and meaning to everything. When I told these things to my father his reaction was “Oh, so much trouble and nuisance!” but I never really felt like that. I just feel that it is what it is because I can get an experience out of it. I can see myself from yet another perspective and it’s kinda fun. I get to see how I function in this kind of circumstances that are very different from what I would ever see back home. Underneath all the hustle I’m here and I’m aware of that and even if everything is taken away that cannot be taken away.

I can recommend traveling to a distant land for everyone if for nothing else then to experience some very unexpected and challenging situations that take you out of the usual comfort zone to see that you can see how magnificent you can be when it counts the most.

Enjoy the rainy days - Return of the natural creativity

I’m again sitting on my balcony and it’s raining. Oh, I love rain and how everything becomes cool and fresh. Too long time of just sun is getting a little boring. Things need to go to a kind of stand-still from time to time for everything to regenerate and rest. Too long time of sunshine and heat is exhausting and consuming. So both are needed to create a balance in nature. Plants will need the rains every once in a while or otherwise they will not have the strength and the juice to take full use of the sunny period. They need the sun for their growth and expansion but if there are no breaks in it then the roots cannot provide for the expansion and the plant will eventually dry up. 

You might have guessed that I’m not just talking about plants but it’s a very good symbol with us too. Our society is very external and we seem to live in our outer layer where our senses get stimulated by external influences and we often just run after every stimulus. We are addicted to having the input from our surroundings and our attention lies there almost the entirety of our existence and hence we also present our polished outer layer to the outside. That’s why we live in the culture of selfies and the social media is full of the things we have done and what’s going on in the surface. Maybe that’s why there is such an obsession towards having celebrities, famous people who’s sole contribution to humanity is to be all appearance and show up in different events and maintain a certain lifestyle and literally to have the same face that we use to create a nice little compartment for them in our heads. These celebrities go on doing plastic surgery which often leaves them looking like their faces have been made of rubber and you almost lose the touch with the fact that they too are humans who experience things in different ways and have their ups and downs. They are not constant, none of us are.

The focus on the outside appearance and outer experiences seems to leave us in a desperate comparison. Not a big surprise there was a study suggesting that social media can cause depression. We have objectified other people and they keep on holding this image in their social media updates. They tell what they have done and who they have been with and where and what food they ate and in what party they went to. It’s all a big show and leaves us to our imagination to fill in all the blanks of what they want us to think about them. This focus on the external leads us to need to always find a fix of acceptance and admiration and our actions start to be in line with this desperate seek for proof to justify our existence. We are afraid of the rain.

What is the rain?

The rainy day is time to be inside the house, alone and having enough time for ourselves to feel into ourselves from tip to toe, from outside to inside. Let ourselves know where we are going emotionally, physically, psychologically. It’s a time of contemplation and kind of stop from outside stimulus when we can rewire ourselves. There might be a fear and strangeness to this because our habit of craving for outside validation by our actions. It might feel like discomfort and fear of being alone but it’s very needed. It’s time to let the house of cards collapse and let yourself to feel all the layers and parts of yourself that are ignored in the pursuit of things to do and experiences to get and memories to accumulate. 

It’s also a great chance to learn to express yourself in a new way. Usually the flow of energy is trying to get something from the outside and put it inside to fill the void, not to feel so empty and dissatisfied but this is the return of the natural creativity where the energy comes from the inside and expands outward. It’s sharing of what we have plenty of. In fact our nature is creator itself and it’s the joy of being that brings the expression. If you look at it from this energetic point of view the search for external stimulus to fill us up actually creates a cork for our natural creativity because you are trying to shoot the gun at the same time as you are stuffing it full with all sorts of rubbish. It’s not meant to work like that, it’s just simply not the nature of things. I have come across many interviews with musicians who go into making an album and state that they simply cannot listen to music of anyone else when they are in the process.

We need the rainy day sometimes to just be with ourselves in whatever is going on so we can integrate and accept back parts of ourselves what the very limited focus on our social mask doesn’t have space for. The mask can come back on later when it’s needed but it’s important to take the time to let it dissolve again and let your internal spring come alive once again. Stop holding the identity on the most superficial layer.  It starts it’s flow from the inside and will fill you up with joy when it does. The natural thing then is to share it because it’s not yours to keep. It’s a gift from existence itself.

Enjoy the rainy days :)

Bali Diaries: Part 2 - Roots of culture

I was going through fb:s group for this local community in here and something in there caught my attention: There was a post where they were discussing about the foreigners who come here to Bali and want to live here permanently and there was a guy who came from the west and explained that it’s very hard to start anything legal here because the systems and laws are so complicated that it’s very hard for an outsider to grasp and then some local persons answer was that if the country and it’s customs do not please then please leave. You can see why the conversation didn’t seem to go anywhere. It seemed to me that that they were talking about completely different things. Other one was talking about many people wanting to stay in Bali and work and start businesses legally but find it too hard and give up eventually after maybe years of trial and error. The local man saw this as an attack against his culture and nation and started defending aggressively saying that those who want to live here must adjust to local society or basically get the fuck out. 

I saw also in some news that there was a situation in Denmark where some extremists were demanding that the local must change their values because they are simply wrong in their point of view.

I don’t want to get involved in any way to the debate of who should change their culture and who just adjust to what because I feel myself a bit of a stranger in any culture including “my own”. Some I can understand more easily than others because of my conditioning but I do not hold so firm belief as somebody coming from any specific culture. My feeling about it is that wherever I find myself in I’m in a way a guest passing through. I find it fun to observe any collective habits that people hold so dear. I mean it’s a wonderful play of diversity and contrast that is not in the end in anyway contradicting any other habits or beliefs that people lead their lives by. 

Now we must dive a little bit under the surface. I recall Terrence McKenna calling culture an operating system, just like in a computer you have a certain operating system that needs an update every now and then to keep up with the new technological inventions and all other variables, and that is what the human operating system truly is. It is a given set of beliefs and values that at the same time help us to operate very effectively in a one-minded state but when taken (as it has been) as an identity it leads into a funny situation that we often do things just because that’s the way it has been before instead of being fresh and seeing what would work the best at these given circumstances. So therefore we will have opposing habitual and unquestioned beliefs coming together where any sort of real meeting is not possible as human beings because we as people fail to see ourselves as anything other than our automatic and very robot-like reactions that are predetermined and coded in our system from very young age. Now being in that very confined space of living like a robot it feels very uncomfortable to have somebody questioning the very foundations on which the identity is built on. It starts shaking like a house of cards and when the ideals start to lose their ground then because the identity is so strong that the person cannot see himself as anything else than that conditioning they will feel as if they personally have been shaken and attacked hence the defence mechanism and closing down instead of embracing the joy of seeing the vastness of expression at display.

All cultural conflict comes from just a simple mistake that human consciousness easily makes. It’s the mistake of “I am this body, I am these thoughts and the emotions. This is my country, these are my people and my family” Instead of just the pure presence of “I am” that is unassociated with any culture or belief system seeing if something is needed but otherwise remaining empty. There is a reason for this clinging to habits. It’s very scary to stand on your own and especially not having the answers as a cane to lean on. You will feel very naked at first and a fear will arise but that is the only way to freedom. One must reclaim their own being back from merely cultural and social pre-determined behaviour. Then there is a more solid ground to stand on when a person starts to see himself as the presence instead of these patterns passed from generation to the next. Then even the culture is not a problem anymore. In fact you can have so much more fun with it because you don’t take it so seriously. You find yourself so free that you can even play along and you’ll start to see the real essence and beauty of the culture you are coming from. It’s not forced on you so you don’t have to belief in it if you don’t want to but you can even have a real pride for coming from certain background for you see the richness that it has brought to your experience. They all have wonderful creativity and beauty that is in tune with the local nature also and could not be possible in any other part of the earth. But still you see without a doubt that this is not all of you, it merely touches the surface of you. You cannot be confined in such a small category as culture and suddenly respectability doesn’t seem so appealing as before. You can go a little crazy and you can even make fun of your culture. It will not be such a big deal anymore and others making fun of your culture don’t look like attacks anymore.

I would never, just for example turn into a Balinese even if I tried my absolute best for the rest of my life to adjust and learn. I would always have my roots in Finland for my body, my nervous system, my mind has been growing in a different atmosphere even though it will adjust in time but I’m still always a guest on this earth and I can respect that any culture and people living in it have their own ways but I’m not so interested in people who carry their culture around as something more than a fun play. It gets too heavy after a while. I always find myself more attracted towards those who have gone beyond that. Who I can truly meet as something more than a product of their heritage and upbringing. Freedom in me greets the freedom in anyone who has got it. I will automatically find it more appealing and I feel more spaciousness and connectedness around those people. People who do not look me just as my appearance as my human self.

Let’s meet as presence.

I’m going to say it.. I usually don’t but…. oh, god.. here it goes:

-Namaste

Bali Diaries: part 1 - Fight within and diseases

I’m here in Bali. Writing this from my balcony by the riverside. It’s a real paradise but I have been feeling quite weak ever since I traveled here. (almost exactly 1 week ago) I seem to have energy only in short periods and after that I get flu-like symptoms and have to rest for most of the day in my air conditioned house. I had a period for about 1 day that I felt I was getting back to normal.. but nope, I’m even more tired now than before. 

I noticed from the period of having my strength back for a while that I felt like I was lost. I felt like I didn’t know what to do and actually I felt a little guilty not doing anything as one “should” do in a place like this.. There is simply so much possibilities. 

I went yesterday to the rice fields for a lunch and stayed in shadow like I have stayed this whole time. I haven’t really been into trying to get tan because I’m in here for almost 3 months so I don’t have any rush to get tanned to get people in Scandinavia envious. In the restaurant I saw a girl traveling clearly for a shorter holiday in Bali. My impression of her was fairly typical tourist impression. She seemed stressed in her appearance and she was fire-department-red for staying too long in the sun and yet she chose the place in the sun in her black top and shorts at the hottest time of the day and ordered a drink with ginger. I thought just “Wow.. that’s something..” She took out both her iPhone and iPad and started taking pictures of the surroundings, the foods and drinks that came to her. (probably face booking them too) It was just very interesting to watch somehow. It seemed like she was out on a power holiday to see and experience everything so at least she has some good stories to tell when she’s not here anymore and a skin cancer to remind her in her old days that she went to places. I imagine her getting a real nice photo-collection and saying to everyone who would ask “You have to experience bali at least once in your life!”. I giggle inside myself a little because I think I have used that phrase on someone and I have traveled also in this manner before.

Now it’s funny to see the contrast between the enthusiasm and sense of adventure that I have had before compared to now when I really just came to live here for a while and enjoy slow pace of life. It’s not just the outer travel that has calmed down recently but also the inner travel is not so extreme and crazy now. The addiction and thrill of energetic/spiritual experiences/knowledge and whatever interesting phenomena I have encountered on my way seems to be becoming more and more secondary. That’s why for me Ubud is the most interesting place to be for me at the moment. I can go to public sauna on the rice fields where all the new-ageys come after their hard day of yoga, crystal awakening ascension workshops or whatever they have. I went to the sauna few days ago and I went quite early so it wasn’t too crowded. It stated very clearly on the door “SILENCE!!!” and It felt such a nice place to be not having to talk to anyone and everyone was silent. Then in comes one yogi -girl who starts chanting very loudly and passionately “OM GAM GANAPATAYE NAMAHA!.” and another girl joins her as I’m going silently “Really? I mean Really?!..” Until a guy comes in very politely saying “Please, this is a silent are, you can sing beautiful songs but please do it outside, it’s a silent area.” Then they eventually stop clearly disappointed and one of the girl answers -Well, doesn’t the music also come from a space of silence” That’s when I felt like I must be in one of J P Sears’ videos and I felt that I could not decide what my reaction could be.. I felt like laughing and crying at the same time but mostly It was the ultimate moment of exhaustive sigh and a facepalm. I Could feel the same feelings of disbelief coming from the guy but he just clearly stated “No, We will not discuss philosophy about it.”

Why I mentioned that it’s probably the most interesting place for me is because I recognise myself in each of these characters and I do have compassion for it. I can see myself few years ago in both inner and outer travellers which doesn’t make a great difference in the end for both are in stress to find something to report and say “I found happiness and fulfilment here, I don’t feel separate anymore, I can finally accept myself”.

I started out talking about my body and how it doesn’t feel fully functional yet. I see that it’s actually very much needed just for myself to have an excuse to be still and relax, not to try to accomplish something. I am, I exist, I am here and now and there is nothing to do, there are no goals unless I choose so. Sometimes I just tend to forget that and start forcing myself and neglecting my true feelings. I’m actually quite content just going out couple of times per day to eat something good or have a nice massage. Yesterday I even got my first facial ever. Life is very simple at the moment and I needed physical weakness to allow myself not to feel bad about not doing much.

-See ya’ll later, Warm greetings from the Tropic.

My terrace -Ubud