Not knowing yourself, what a relaxation.

There is something especially challenging in coming into awareness, waking up, realization process, if you will. If this awakening is currently happening to you, you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. The more you have awareness of your patterns, the more you have discovered about yourself, the more unstable an inconsistant your personality comes. You start to notice that there is no longer a thread running through your behaviour. At least in your awareness you start to notice the glitches and idiosyncracies in the way you act, the way you think about things. You start to see how fluctuating your opinions, beliefs, your behaviour is. It's difficult to hold any firm political beliefs or world views and things that seemed important before are drifting away and you can't quite grasp them anymore. You start melting away from the solid thing that you used to think you were and your "passions" that you thought were everlasting, your soul's desires don't carry such weight anymore. You might feel insecure around people because everyone else around you seems to have a clear and concise purpose or direction, plans and motivations and they speak with certainty and conviction. It seems that you cannot emulate those things anymore and everything starts to collapse more and more into the present moment, into the unknown.

It's a tough thing to go through from the human perspective because it's scary as fuck and there seems to be no end to it. You maybe hope that it would get easier, and it does, but not the way that the human mind would imagine. It's not that at some point you suddenly start knowing again those things, like they just morph a bit into something else and you get a new and shiny awakened personality -no, not at all. Instead you start trusting and relaxing into the fact that you don't know yourself anymore, you just know that you exist. You start enjoying the freedom that not being anything in specific brings with it. You let go of the need to define yourself and allow whatever comes. You stop being just an actor in your play and realize that you are the director and audience too, and beyond. You can in fact be multiple actors fluidly changing from scene to scene without any intention, it just happens appropriately and naturally without thinking.

The trap in this is to think that when you personality and life starts to lose it's defining characteristics, the very corner stones of what you thought you were, that something has gone wrong. It's almost inevitable reaction that you try to climb on that horse again until you realize that you can't.. then of course, you feel like you have failed because people around you seem to be perfectly happy "knowing" who they are and where they they are going. In truth they are simply living in such deep unawareness and their identities and perception in such a narrow bandwidth and they are living so heavily from their past, projecting into the future that they don't see anything but a straight and narrow life, a path well traveled. They also are not what they think they are, they are actors who think they are their roles and act accordingly and it looks very logical and straight forward. The only difference between them and you who are awakening is that you are aware that you are not the role and you start to live in multiple plays simultaneously, you start to see behind the props and sets and you begin to withdraw your attention from just this singular, narrow role that you have been playing forever. They are still deeply in it and you are not. There will be temptation to look back and even to try to fit in that old costume but it won't be succesful once you have seen what you have seen.

It' not as scary as it looks at first glance. It's a relaxation back into the vaster, the more open you. You will learn that you don't need to keep actively acting, you can just sit back and the right responses come according to the situation without needing to keep on your toes. You simply enjoy the play without investments in the outcomes and you stop bothering about direction or purpose or knowing yourself.

About growing out of my life

I've been looking back, so to speak, on my apparent journey in this life and I thought what many who are reading this might have thought: -How did I end up here? Why haven't I been able to go travel on the pre-determined path that would guarantee some level of safety, financial stability, easy life.. I could have gone to schools and studied some secure profession that made decent money or taken over my father's cruise business. I could have even stayed working in a supermarket and by now maybe have been in some kind of mid-level manager position.

I just couldn't do any of that, something inside of me sabotaged all of that, to make sure that none of that would happen. I just could not fit any mold I tried to fit in. Now I'm in a foreign country and picked up photography and have literally no interest in any other earthly thing even if it means just making enough money to come by with constant uncertainty of the future.

It's almost like there was something programmed or called upon, maybe a higher aspect of myself making sure that life would bite me in the ass if I tried to go back into the matrix. Even if I tried to apply to a school or call for a job that I thought would be the most reasonable thing to do something would happen; They wouldn't answer the phone or some other thing would happen and I would realize that I really, really didn't want to do it anyways.

It feels like I have created some kind of esoteric mechanism in this life that will work against anything that doesn't serve my truth. I just won't be able to control what happens from my mind so I've been dropped in a situation where I give up on trying to do it. I've been forced to allow energy to serve me in a mystical way where the more I resist and impose ideas of how things should go, the harder it gets but when I let existence to show me how it wants to serve me I find myself somehow always having what I need in the moment. In fact that has always been the case, I have always had what I need when I need it but my need to control life has previously made me unaware of it because of fearful projections and worst-case-scenarios that have made me make conclusions and act pre-maturely.

In a way I can say that I did not ever make any of these choices and something has guided from within and all that has happened in this life and these unique circumstances seem to be exactly what is always needed to beat it into the thick human head that "stop struggling and trying to control, it's never going to work and you are just going to get more and more frustrated and tired". Like master Mooji often says "each of your lives are custom made for your awakening". Everything is already in place for life and energies to serve us but we tend not to trust life, we have been heavily conditioned to believe we in our tiny personal modes are responsible for making life happen, that we have to suffer and struggle in order to achieve the "best things" and those "best things" are most of the time just images given by society in the first place and achieving them will leave us more hollow and confused than when we started.

I't been an interesting journey in a sense that there is a thread running through life and all of it seems to be about letting authentic life happen instead of man-made series of forced pre-mature actions to construct a wobbly self-image and a feeling of some separate entity living life and manipulating that idea of life to fit to the limitations and beliefs born out of fear and anxiety

Don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of questions, insecurities and moments of hesitation and even despair in my mind but it seems less to do with me and it doesn't seem to affect at all how things eventually turn out, they are just temporary perceptions of limited information that cannot be trusted and every time life shows all of the perceptions about it to be wrong and out of date. Life is happening now and all concepts and interpretations about it are either late of too early, they are never in real time with existence.

So after all this rambling I'll go back to the original question in the beginning of this entry: I have not been able to live the way that my conditioned mind considered a good, safe, stable and predictable life and followed the path I thought I should have taken because it was never mine. It was a life made for a non-existent entity that imagined those things because it had been conditioned in that way. Life was too expansive, the thirst for truth and knowing my true self was too much to keep the wheel on the groove. Life grew out of it's old mold towards freedom and spontaneous, creative and truthful way of being beyond the boundaries of projections and perceptions.

I just never fit into my life, no matter how much I tried.
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