I've recently paid attention to a tendency in me (and I'm sure I'm not alone in this) to define my life for the convenience of other people.
You know the feeling when you are at a party or a dinner with relatives and someone comes to ask you "so, what do you do?". That's always a tough one because I never really define myself as anything very specific. I have things I enjoy to do but it comes and goes. Then if I don't want to get too existential on their asses I'll answer something that I assume they are really asking like "How can I define you so you won't remain an unsolved and uncomfortable mystery to my obsessive mind" and I answer some random thing that seems easiest depending on how lazy I feel. I now have good answer for most people "I do photography" but especially relatives basically want to know where I get my money so they can assess my life and silently judge me in their heads.
But let's get more on track here..
It seems a typical human being is living solely out of these labels and definitions and they only ask other people what they already assume about them and then they just act like a really bad scientist, gathering evidence and proof for what they already have in mind, profiling for the archives at the back of the mind so whenever they meet that person the case file is pulled out and further investigation can be continued.
We all know that these kinds of conversations feel somehow heavy and maybe even humiliating. Something just feels wrong but it's hard to put the finger on it but it leaves us depleted and uncomfortable.
The reason for this uncomfortable feeling is simply that something in us knows that all of these things are not who we truly are. We tend to just build an image of ourselves to present to others to offer something because most people would be completely at a loss if we don't. We've been silently taught from childhood that it's a bit embarrassing if we don't know what to answer when someone asks us something. Then naturally we learn to hide that embarrassment and just come up with something, to portray ourselves in a light that would build a good case file in this investigators mind.
Have you ever talked to anyone who just listens? They might ask something but it's just something superficial or they might actually be genuinely interested. You have a very light feeling because you feel like they are not interrogating you. They just want to know you and have a connection with you. Afterwards you feel light and nourished because you didn't feel any push on yourself from the other. There was no hidden agenda and you didn't feel like you needed to make yourself into anything.
It's such a clear feeling when there is awareness in it. We all naturally know who feels light and who feels heavy to interact with but the problem is that usually we are already pushing ourselves and defining ourselves all the time that it's really hard to be sensitive to what feels better or worse on the outside. Once there is a sufficient amount of self-respect then it becomes easier and easier to invite in the right kind of people, situations and energy. It all just responds to what's already going on inside. We can use the outside interactions as a kind of checking point in how drawn are we towards people who judge, define and limit us vs. people who are just there and present and who don't have any particular need to define or even know too much about other people's lives.
I want to pose a question for anyone who reads this:
Where are you with this? Are you constantly defining yourself for others people's convenience and seeking their approval? Are you trying to help them build a case on you and are you worried about the outcome of it?
You don't have to answer me directly but you can of course message me on fb or leave a comment or something.
Peace out!
