I've been looking back, so to speak, on my apparent journey in this life and I thought what many who are reading this might have thought: -How did I end up here? Why haven't I been able to go travel on the pre-determined path that would guarantee some level of safety, financial stability, easy life.. I could have gone to schools and studied some secure profession that made decent money or taken over my father's cruise business. I could have even stayed working in a supermarket and by now maybe have been in some kind of mid-level manager position.
I just couldn't do any of that, something inside of me sabotaged all of that, to make sure that none of that would happen. I just could not fit any mold I tried to fit in. Now I'm in a foreign country and picked up photography and have literally no interest in any other earthly thing even if it means just making enough money to come by with constant uncertainty of the future.
It's almost like there was something programmed or called upon, maybe a higher aspect of myself making sure that life would bite me in the ass if I tried to go back into the matrix. Even if I tried to apply to a school or call for a job that I thought would be the most reasonable thing to do something would happen; They wouldn't answer the phone or some other thing would happen and I would realize that I really, really didn't want to do it anyways.
It feels like I have created some kind of esoteric mechanism in this life that will work against anything that doesn't serve my truth. I just won't be able to control what happens from my mind so I've been dropped in a situation where I give up on trying to do it. I've been forced to allow energy to serve me in a mystical way where the more I resist and impose ideas of how things should go, the harder it gets but when I let existence to show me how it wants to serve me I find myself somehow always having what I need in the moment. In fact that has always been the case, I have always had what I need when I need it but my need to control life has previously made me unaware of it because of fearful projections and worst-case-scenarios that have made me make conclusions and act pre-maturely.
In a way I can say that I did not ever make any of these choices and something has guided from within and all that has happened in this life and these unique circumstances seem to be exactly what is always needed to beat it into the thick human head that "stop struggling and trying to control, it's never going to work and you are just going to get more and more frustrated and tired". Like master Mooji often says "each of your lives are custom made for your awakening". Everything is already in place for life and energies to serve us but we tend not to trust life, we have been heavily conditioned to believe we in our tiny personal modes are responsible for making life happen, that we have to suffer and struggle in order to achieve the "best things" and those "best things" are most of the time just images given by society in the first place and achieving them will leave us more hollow and confused than when we started.
I't been an interesting journey in a sense that there is a thread running through life and all of it seems to be about letting authentic life happen instead of man-made series of forced pre-mature actions to construct a wobbly self-image and a feeling of some separate entity living life and manipulating that idea of life to fit to the limitations and beliefs born out of fear and anxiety
Don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of questions, insecurities and moments of hesitation and even despair in my mind but it seems less to do with me and it doesn't seem to affect at all how things eventually turn out, they are just temporary perceptions of limited information that cannot be trusted and every time life shows all of the perceptions about it to be wrong and out of date. Life is happening now and all concepts and interpretations about it are either late of too early, they are never in real time with existence.
So after all this rambling I'll go back to the original question in the beginning of this entry: I have not been able to live the way that my conditioned mind considered a good, safe, stable and predictable life and followed the path I thought I should have taken because it was never mine. It was a life made for a non-existent entity that imagined those things because it had been conditioned in that way. Life was too expansive, the thirst for truth and knowing my true self was too much to keep the wheel on the groove. Life grew out of it's old mold towards freedom and spontaneous, creative and truthful way of being beyond the boundaries of projections and perceptions.
I just never fit into my life, no matter how much I tried.
.
