I’m here in Bali. Writing this from my balcony by the riverside. It’s a real paradise but I have been feeling quite weak ever since I traveled here. (almost exactly 1 week ago) I seem to have energy only in short periods and after that I get flu-like symptoms and have to rest for most of the day in my air conditioned house. I had a period for about 1 day that I felt I was getting back to normal.. but nope, I’m even more tired now than before.
I noticed from the period of having my strength back for a while that I felt like I was lost. I felt like I didn’t know what to do and actually I felt a little guilty not doing anything as one “should” do in a place like this.. There is simply so much possibilities.
I went yesterday to the rice fields for a lunch and stayed in shadow like I have stayed this whole time. I haven’t really been into trying to get tan because I’m in here for almost 3 months so I don’t have any rush to get tanned to get people in Scandinavia envious. In the restaurant I saw a girl traveling clearly for a shorter holiday in Bali. My impression of her was fairly typical tourist impression. She seemed stressed in her appearance and she was fire-department-red for staying too long in the sun and yet she chose the place in the sun in her black top and shorts at the hottest time of the day and ordered a drink with ginger. I thought just “Wow.. that’s something..” She took out both her iPhone and iPad and started taking pictures of the surroundings, the foods and drinks that came to her. (probably face booking them too) It was just very interesting to watch somehow. It seemed like she was out on a power holiday to see and experience everything so at least she has some good stories to tell when she’s not here anymore and a skin cancer to remind her in her old days that she went to places. I imagine her getting a real nice photo-collection and saying to everyone who would ask “You have to experience bali at least once in your life!”. I giggle inside myself a little because I think I have used that phrase on someone and I have traveled also in this manner before.
Now it’s funny to see the contrast between the enthusiasm and sense of adventure that I have had before compared to now when I really just came to live here for a while and enjoy slow pace of life. It’s not just the outer travel that has calmed down recently but also the inner travel is not so extreme and crazy now. The addiction and thrill of energetic/spiritual experiences/knowledge and whatever interesting phenomena I have encountered on my way seems to be becoming more and more secondary. That’s why for me Ubud is the most interesting place to be for me at the moment. I can go to public sauna on the rice fields where all the new-ageys come after their hard day of yoga, crystal awakening ascension workshops or whatever they have. I went to the sauna few days ago and I went quite early so it wasn’t too crowded. It stated very clearly on the door “SILENCE!!!” and It felt such a nice place to be not having to talk to anyone and everyone was silent. Then in comes one yogi -girl who starts chanting very loudly and passionately “OM GAM GANAPATAYE NAMAHA!.” and another girl joins her as I’m going silently “Really? I mean Really?!..” Until a guy comes in very politely saying “Please, this is a silent are, you can sing beautiful songs but please do it outside, it’s a silent area.” Then they eventually stop clearly disappointed and one of the girl answers -Well, doesn’t the music also come from a space of silence” That’s when I felt like I must be in one of J P Sears’ videos and I felt that I could not decide what my reaction could be.. I felt like laughing and crying at the same time but mostly It was the ultimate moment of exhaustive sigh and a facepalm. I Could feel the same feelings of disbelief coming from the guy but he just clearly stated “No, We will not discuss philosophy about it.”
Why I mentioned that it’s probably the most interesting place for me is because I recognise myself in each of these characters and I do have compassion for it. I can see myself few years ago in both inner and outer travellers which doesn’t make a great difference in the end for both are in stress to find something to report and say “I found happiness and fulfilment here, I don’t feel separate anymore, I can finally accept myself”.
I started out talking about my body and how it doesn’t feel fully functional yet. I see that it’s actually very much needed just for myself to have an excuse to be still and relax, not to try to accomplish something. I am, I exist, I am here and now and there is nothing to do, there are no goals unless I choose so. Sometimes I just tend to forget that and start forcing myself and neglecting my true feelings. I’m actually quite content just going out couple of times per day to eat something good or have a nice massage. Yesterday I even got my first facial ever. Life is very simple at the moment and I needed physical weakness to allow myself not to feel bad about not doing much.
-See ya’ll later, Warm greetings from the Tropic.
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| My terrace -Ubud |
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