Not knowing yourself, what a relaxation.

There is something especially challenging in coming into awareness, waking up, realization process, if you will. If this awakening is currently happening to you, you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. The more you have awareness of your patterns, the more you have discovered about yourself, the more unstable an inconsistant your personality comes. You start to notice that there is no longer a thread running through your behaviour. At least in your awareness you start to notice the glitches and idiosyncracies in the way you act, the way you think about things. You start to see how fluctuating your opinions, beliefs, your behaviour is. It's difficult to hold any firm political beliefs or world views and things that seemed important before are drifting away and you can't quite grasp them anymore. You start melting away from the solid thing that you used to think you were and your "passions" that you thought were everlasting, your soul's desires don't carry such weight anymore. You might feel insecure around people because everyone else around you seems to have a clear and concise purpose or direction, plans and motivations and they speak with certainty and conviction. It seems that you cannot emulate those things anymore and everything starts to collapse more and more into the present moment, into the unknown.

It's a tough thing to go through from the human perspective because it's scary as fuck and there seems to be no end to it. You maybe hope that it would get easier, and it does, but not the way that the human mind would imagine. It's not that at some point you suddenly start knowing again those things, like they just morph a bit into something else and you get a new and shiny awakened personality -no, not at all. Instead you start trusting and relaxing into the fact that you don't know yourself anymore, you just know that you exist. You start enjoying the freedom that not being anything in specific brings with it. You let go of the need to define yourself and allow whatever comes. You stop being just an actor in your play and realize that you are the director and audience too, and beyond. You can in fact be multiple actors fluidly changing from scene to scene without any intention, it just happens appropriately and naturally without thinking.

The trap in this is to think that when you personality and life starts to lose it's defining characteristics, the very corner stones of what you thought you were, that something has gone wrong. It's almost inevitable reaction that you try to climb on that horse again until you realize that you can't.. then of course, you feel like you have failed because people around you seem to be perfectly happy "knowing" who they are and where they they are going. In truth they are simply living in such deep unawareness and their identities and perception in such a narrow bandwidth and they are living so heavily from their past, projecting into the future that they don't see anything but a straight and narrow life, a path well traveled. They also are not what they think they are, they are actors who think they are their roles and act accordingly and it looks very logical and straight forward. The only difference between them and you who are awakening is that you are aware that you are not the role and you start to live in multiple plays simultaneously, you start to see behind the props and sets and you begin to withdraw your attention from just this singular, narrow role that you have been playing forever. They are still deeply in it and you are not. There will be temptation to look back and even to try to fit in that old costume but it won't be succesful once you have seen what you have seen.

It' not as scary as it looks at first glance. It's a relaxation back into the vaster, the more open you. You will learn that you don't need to keep actively acting, you can just sit back and the right responses come according to the situation without needing to keep on your toes. You simply enjoy the play without investments in the outcomes and you stop bothering about direction or purpose or knowing yourself.

About growing out of my life

I've been looking back, so to speak, on my apparent journey in this life and I thought what many who are reading this might have thought: -How did I end up here? Why haven't I been able to go travel on the pre-determined path that would guarantee some level of safety, financial stability, easy life.. I could have gone to schools and studied some secure profession that made decent money or taken over my father's cruise business. I could have even stayed working in a supermarket and by now maybe have been in some kind of mid-level manager position.

I just couldn't do any of that, something inside of me sabotaged all of that, to make sure that none of that would happen. I just could not fit any mold I tried to fit in. Now I'm in a foreign country and picked up photography and have literally no interest in any other earthly thing even if it means just making enough money to come by with constant uncertainty of the future.

It's almost like there was something programmed or called upon, maybe a higher aspect of myself making sure that life would bite me in the ass if I tried to go back into the matrix. Even if I tried to apply to a school or call for a job that I thought would be the most reasonable thing to do something would happen; They wouldn't answer the phone or some other thing would happen and I would realize that I really, really didn't want to do it anyways.

It feels like I have created some kind of esoteric mechanism in this life that will work against anything that doesn't serve my truth. I just won't be able to control what happens from my mind so I've been dropped in a situation where I give up on trying to do it. I've been forced to allow energy to serve me in a mystical way where the more I resist and impose ideas of how things should go, the harder it gets but when I let existence to show me how it wants to serve me I find myself somehow always having what I need in the moment. In fact that has always been the case, I have always had what I need when I need it but my need to control life has previously made me unaware of it because of fearful projections and worst-case-scenarios that have made me make conclusions and act pre-maturely.

In a way I can say that I did not ever make any of these choices and something has guided from within and all that has happened in this life and these unique circumstances seem to be exactly what is always needed to beat it into the thick human head that "stop struggling and trying to control, it's never going to work and you are just going to get more and more frustrated and tired". Like master Mooji often says "each of your lives are custom made for your awakening". Everything is already in place for life and energies to serve us but we tend not to trust life, we have been heavily conditioned to believe we in our tiny personal modes are responsible for making life happen, that we have to suffer and struggle in order to achieve the "best things" and those "best things" are most of the time just images given by society in the first place and achieving them will leave us more hollow and confused than when we started.

I't been an interesting journey in a sense that there is a thread running through life and all of it seems to be about letting authentic life happen instead of man-made series of forced pre-mature actions to construct a wobbly self-image and a feeling of some separate entity living life and manipulating that idea of life to fit to the limitations and beliefs born out of fear and anxiety

Don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of questions, insecurities and moments of hesitation and even despair in my mind but it seems less to do with me and it doesn't seem to affect at all how things eventually turn out, they are just temporary perceptions of limited information that cannot be trusted and every time life shows all of the perceptions about it to be wrong and out of date. Life is happening now and all concepts and interpretations about it are either late of too early, they are never in real time with existence.

So after all this rambling I'll go back to the original question in the beginning of this entry: I have not been able to live the way that my conditioned mind considered a good, safe, stable and predictable life and followed the path I thought I should have taken because it was never mine. It was a life made for a non-existent entity that imagined those things because it had been conditioned in that way. Life was too expansive, the thirst for truth and knowing my true self was too much to keep the wheel on the groove. Life grew out of it's old mold towards freedom and spontaneous, creative and truthful way of being beyond the boundaries of projections and perceptions.

I just never fit into my life, no matter how much I tried.
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Thank god for my white straight male privilege, not for the reasons you'd think

I've thought about it lately. I do feel grateful for being a white, male and having the typical sexual orientation, coming from a country where living standard is quite high and life is safe. I'm happy about it, not because of the privileges, but because the perception of someone like me. 

People focus these days so deeply into all sorts of hierarchies and score points on who is supposedly the most oppressed and has it worst, this has created a totally new type of army of narcisists. I can understand why this kind of obsession about such trivial external things like genitalia, skin colour or sexual orientation has risen in people, it's just in the culture. Everyone wants to be the most progressive and open minded person of anyone they know and they want to make it sure that everyone is aware of their virtuous fight against injustices in the heroic realm of social media. You can constantly see even apparently intelligent people falling into inconceivable traps of cognitive dissonance and denying of clear realities just because the narrative needs to be maintained.

..and that narrative needs to be fed with heroes and villains, good and bad people, and thanks to intersectional feminism, good and bad groups of people. This narrative needs it's victims and the only way you can create enough volume and attention is to have whole groups of people being the victims and whole groups of people being the perpetrators. Thus if you are black, overweight, transsexual muslim woman you are most likely being told that the whole world has been stacked up against you, you have no hope because the big and vague cis-normative-oppressive-patriarchy is lurking in the shadows and all that you need to do is to recognize that you are a victim by default and you should not take any individual responsibility and be a creator of your own life, a light unto yourself. No, you need to constantly remember your identity and carry it around like currency because it is a kind of currency in the oppression olympics. If you score high you get all the false sympathy in the world and people telling what a poor thing you are for being born in such a terrible way but at least you have them, although, in reality, they have you as someone to fight for. You are not an individual for them, you are just an object that proves their ideology right and they can keep on feeling warm and fuzzy for fighting for the right cause.

It's like feminism, the definition of the ideology sound fantastic: "equality for all" and I personally don't know anyone who would argue that but when you've got an ideology that's sole purpose is just to enforce itself upon people and gain political influence while being about as anti science as the west borough baptists, lying and twisting statistics just to make it fit to the narrative and use women as mere means to an end. These movement are very similar to communism in many ways, they say the system is made for the people but all they seem to be doing is using people for the benefit of the system.

Well, enough of ranting about that.

 My point in all of this was that I feel grateful for being a white, straight male because nobody comes to me telling that the world is out to get me, that I can't make it, that I'm a victim. My outer appearance only fits for the role of perpetrator and I have played that role too out of some weird compassion and the deep conditioning in the role.

I've been mostly left alone, nobody scores any social justice points on my types so we are just left alone to do our thing. Most of us have no clue or interest in race or sexual orientation, we don't care, it's not our business what other people are doing with their lives. We have to take responsibility of our lives, there is nobody to feel sorry about a straight white male having some trouble in their life even if they are living on the streets or lying in the gutter, it just doesn't fit. We are always the ones who are privileged, the lucky ones and I agree, we totally are but for a totally different reason, we have to create our own self respect, we can't rely for anyone to hand it to us based on any external factor. We don't get the choice to play any games based on our appearance. So thanks world for not giving a fuck, for making me the bad guy. I accept all responsibility for my life wholeheartedly because I know this is the only way to be free.

Your being is fat, how to make your being better and sexier

The era of personal development is over, it's so old new age and now it's the time of developing your unchanging, ever present and unaffected true nature.

Give that original face a good wash with esoteric anti-bacterial soap and give it a good cucumber mask of spiritual development. It's time to get that light body into summer shape with visualization. You are ever perfect and eternal but you could do better, your inner being is out of shape, fat and lacking motivation to become a better being. Start doing mantras, yoga, therapy groups, meditation retreats, mindfulness, tai chi, chi gong, feng shui, sushi, sake and tantra. Take vitamins, eat raw-vegan, become a breatharian, move to a more spiritual town or commune and drink lots of coconut water because it's never too late to get the shapeless back in great shape.

You have to think positive, act gracefully, walk floatingly, talk softly, avoid violence, violently oppose bad thoughts, be balanced, give to charity, share inspirational and ideological posts, love everyone except the ones who hate, understand the non-existence of your identity then identify as divine feminine, divine light, twin flame, higher self, seeker of truth, bringer of light, messenger of some arch angel, healer, space holder, energy balancer, peace keeper, pacemaker, beat boxer, bat trainer, light worker, facilitator of transformation, therapist, spiritual guide or activist.

You see, it's not enough for you to just to accept yourself as nothing with nothing to gain or to lose and leaving your human attributes to be as they are and let them unfold in their own weight whilst just paying attention to your sense of existence.

No, you need to project your human ideas onto your being and thrive to make your enlightenment happen in a way that fits your minds dreams and concepts about it.

Get you being back in shape!

Do you think you are special? Then you should probably adopt this spiritual identity.

Do you sometimes feel like you are the only one who understands everything that's going on in the world and nobody else does? Do you feel like you are fucking psychic? Do you feel like the world doesn't "get" you? Do you feel like your old identity as just a normal human makes you unimportant?

In that case I have great news for you. You must be super spiritual empath indigo crystal rainbow spirit guide channel.

Now that you adopted this new identity you can feel like you don't need to get rid of your ego but you can just refurbish the old one, spin it around a bit and give it a new name in order to continue without the inconvenience of actually realizing that all of the definitions you carry are just thoughts and whatever earthly or otherworldly ideas you have about yourself are just like a ghost writing autobiography.. meaningless. You can continue on with new confidence that you are among the rare powerful souls who have come on earth for a special mission and thus anything you do has some kind of powerful meaning. It's the perfect tool for justifying your unwillingness to actually become aware of your true nature and the emptiness within.

Now that you know that you are super spiritual empath indigo crystal rainbow spirit guide channel you can remain distant, cold, unwelcoming, arrogant, judgemental and afraid of connecting with others from a vulnerable position.

This is a message from arcturus centaur star system, from much more advanced and enlightened civilisation and the only reason we never visit you is because you are not spiritual enough.

Here is a generic new agey super conscious photoshop picture that will totally resonate with you if you are super spiritual empath indigo crystal rainbow spirit guide channel:

Nothing wrong with 2016, just your identity.

I've seen countless people by now declaring that 2016 was a terrible year. 

No, it wasn't. It's just that the trend in the world to belong to more and more rigid identities has become stronger this year than I can remember maybe in my lifetime.

Politically we have chosen our sides in such a strong way that we hardly talk to each other. People who voted in different ways in Brexit or the U.S election are hardly in speaking terms, they cannot understand each other and they don't want to. They all think that the people on the opposite side are basically child eating monsters. The same thing can be told all around the world including Finland between people who want to take in more immigrants and people who want to reduce it or people who think that Russia is the source of all evil in the world and Putin is the Satan himself and people who don't want Finland to lose it's neutrality and become part of the global power struggle (those people are called "Trolls" by the way). There is also a very strong fanaticism running the mock on the left about political correctness and identity politics where the goal has been to categorise people by their victimhood status and make every issue in the world to revolve around gender, sexual orientation or ethnicity that has managed to turn the political and scientific scene into a place where any inconvenient discovery, opinion or even a simple objective inquiry can cause an outrage and get people fired. All of this is the works of the ego trying to belong into world views that explain everything and don't leave any room for discovery and our western culture is turning more and more into a one that rather caters for all the different identities than to open space for new ideas in order for nobody to feel their identities threatened while being blind to the fact that identities cannot be protected because they are false to begin with. We have somehow lost the touch with something that within us sees everyone and everything as not separate or opposite to us but complimentary and valuable, something that can add something to our perspective. The mass consciousness wants everyone to be categorised and it's effort is to lose individuality and freedom of thinking and make world safe by making everyone fit into definitions and believe in their little prisons, shouting out "Look at my sexual orientation! Look at my skin colour! I'm this and nobody can question what I declare about myself". We have built such strong ideologies that the world might seem just a horrifying, scary place when suddenly it doesn't function according to our expectations and ideologies. Instead of questioning their own ideologies and identities people are now rioting and panicking because the world isn't what they thought it ought to be and casting blame on whoever happens to be on the other side.

Everything has polarised to such an extent that our identities as part of those ideological movements don't have any room to step back and look at ourselves critically and our agendas become so holy that the means justify the ends. We are ready to distort reality and cherry pick whatever facts support our identity. We live in a world that is vastly complex and so interconnected that our brains are simply not made to comprehend it in this age of infinite information so we try to find a way to escape our insecurity and feeling of helplessness into different camps from where we have a simple enemy who is to blame for all the wrong in the world and we don't need to talk to such a person if we have already pre-determined their agendas and motivations. We address our idea of the person who we have demonised instead of actually trying to find any common ground.

All of this is the works of identity and reality starts where identity ends. In fact only beyond identity there is reality because our identity works a medium between us and reality and it offers us a very narrow and emotionally charged view.

Beyond identity nobody is a victim, nobody is a perpetrator, nobody's experience is more valid or important than anyone else's, nobody is even special, opinions are not so important and nothing determines you ultimately and living life through identity is a constant battle because the world is not ultimately going to cater to your identity. Reality is eventually gonna come crashing into your house of cards. You will always feel insecure in you identity and you will make more and more enemies and find more cause to feel upset. It is like a hot potato you will keep holding onto and shouting "who is burning my hands?!" with no intention of letting go of the potato.

There was intrinsically nothing wrong in the year 2016. If it was a shitty year it's because your identity said so and you suffered from your identity feeling threatened, not because of what happened.

I feel that sometimes we as a collective psyche have to go through a little shaking and things intensifying and it's self inflicted because strong identities are bound to bring conflicts. It brings us ultimately to such extremes and turbulences that we will have to learn what is the root cause of all this misery. I can tell you, it's identity.
We have no chance for making external peace if we keep on protecting that which creates our inner unrest, which manifest around us as polarisation, misunderstanding and violence. It's a good wake-up call for many people to take a look outside of this battle for power over the survival of our identities and recognise that when you change your reference point from identity to presence and neutrality even the wild year of 2016 looks like a play of energy. The acceptance that comes with that realisation is the hope and the chance for some actual change.

All the data from poverty and health to the amount of wars shows us that 2016 was actually a pretty good year and it takes different kind of eyes to start to see the beauty again in the world after intense collective focus on the negative but it starts with individual honesty. You can make your world beautiful or ugly.

Ps. Don't follow news

Thank you 2016 and welcome 2017.

The biggest obstructors of happiness and freedom: Victimhood and Entitlement

I've been following the tendencies of humanity and recently I've grown more worried about certain tendencies that have manifested in an almost panicky levels of political correctness and intellectual fascism amongst seemingly educated and intelligent people. It's a kind of brainwashing where we have gotten so deep into a giving an unbelievable amount of reverence to narratives of victimhood. Basically we live in a time where victimhood has become a currency, the more devastating victim status you have the more attention you can withdraw from this federal reserve of collective guilt.

As we know a little child is really dependant on parents attention and affection because biologically speaking that attention correlates with survival. So we learn already as children that attention is a kind of currency to ensure survival. Money and any other actual exchange comes later on in life. We tend to learn to use whatever means to have attention and we get addicted to it.

If we come back to the present day we can see why we might be drawn to try to extract some sympathy from people around us because there is still this underlying feeling of value from it and there seems to be a huge market for this kind of pathological behaviour in the society at the moment.

I find it troublesome with all these different groups who in the name of equality and justice seek to attract people in and start feeding their identities with all the different stories of they are victims and how they are being cheated out of their rights by whatever evil conspiracy they believe in, whether it's patriarchy, the illuminati, the white people, the zionists, the bankers, political elite or whoever their "enemy" is. Many of these movements, I'm sure, have been started with a genuine intention of making the world a little more friendly and even playing field but now what we have been seeing over few last years is that the amount of victim narratives has increased exponentially and people have divided more and more into different camps all crying for more attention for their given (or chosen) identities.

The thing about buying into victimhood is that you always need a perpetrator and right there you have created a very rigid and narrow view of whoever happens to be your perpetrator. You have also basically married your perpetrator because now they have something you need (your freedom) but because you have also created a very rigid and narrow identity of yourself you are unable to receive whatever you need to heal because that would mean the end of your identity as a victim. You don't really want the situation to end. You need your perpetrator and you attract them as well. You will find evidence of wrongdoing and oppression in people who might not even know they are playing your game. You will give all of your power away and then cry for attention and sympathy and it will almost feel like love or care but it's not. You see, when you are a victim you are a burden to people around you. They will give their attention to you maybe because they feel some collective guilt, they feel bad for you and they think that maybe in some way it is their fault that you are in such misery. They will also feel a certain grudge towards you because you have forced them to give you attention and sympathy, you are feeding on their energy and sucking people dry. You are not providing anything into the world but you are actually spreading your misery.

But to tell the truth there is no need for any of this misery, it's not even real and this attention that a victim is seeking is actually just their own acknowledgement and self love they have been missing and looking from the outside.

Another topic I wanted to talk about is entitlement because it's very much related to victimhood.

When someone comes to you to tell you that you are a victim in the society for your skin colour, religion, political views, gender, sexual orientation or whatever they will want to talk to you about rights. Rights are an interesting thing because it sounds so good to be fighting for your rights or especially someone else's rights because that makes you extra righteous, right? But to be blunt I would say that idea of rights can become a kind of cancer. It can become very poisonous for your freedom to fight for your rights.

I know it sound very contradictory but let me explain:

When you buy into the victim narrative and you start fighting for your rights you have narrowed yourself into such a tiny box that there is no space for actual freedom there. You have defined yourself into oblivion. You have reduced yourself almost into a caricature, a mere small bundle of thoughts and ideas and they are all built around what you are missing and lacking. You feel incomplete. You have a very clear sense what your characteristics are that make you a victim and you are angry at the world for your suffering that derives from the way you have limited your existence. When you limit yourself into that kind of small space you will start shouting after your rights because you have given all the power away. You keep on holding onto your identity by claiming that you should have your rights, people should respect your rights. You and your rights have almost become synonymous, it's almost the same thing. It's where you have put your attention and it has created misery because your identity is synonymous with lack.

In our western culture we seem to have deeply immersed ourselves into supporting anyone claiming victimhood and demanding rights even to a point that we police the people who ask for credentials for acknowledging these claims or question the behaviours of certain people who have have been determined victims. We don't even always need anyone to declare themselves as victims, we are very willing to do it for them and then claim the position of defender of the weak, thus promoting our own righteousness. We seem to be so afraid to deny anyone of their victimhood that we would rather not take the risk so we just let anyone create any narrative and we blindly accept it so we don't seem intolerant or close minded. This kind of culture is not empowering anyone and it's supporting laziness of spirit and infantilizing people.

We need people who are masters of their own minds and hearts, not victims who need to be taken care of an fought for because they just are not capable of taking care of themselves. We need more people who don't care about what their skin colour or inherited culture, religion or other circumstances are because they are far too busy fulfilling their passions and living their full potential. We need intelligent people who have gone beyond their little human mind and psychological games and don't see the world in terms of divisions and personal stories. They just do what they need to do because that's what they are here to do.

If one is truly happy and living in the core of their being do you think they would give a flying fuck what pronoun someone uses to address them, what the illuminati is up to or if someone has fucking mansplained them? No, a master will never care about such things. World needs more real grown ups who are full of creativity and vision, those are the people who will change the world, not some activists being angry about truly trivial things and chasing wild conspiracies and teaching people how fucked and oppressed they are and telling others to check their privileges and feel guilty.