Sleepless night of realisation

Last night I couldn't sleep because I had a letter regarding a job offer I received. There was something that was disturbed a bit by it because if I got the job it would have meant a complete change of scenery and circumstances and it would have conflicted what my feeling was for how my life was unfolding. There seemed to be a conflict.

Slowly these kind of "what if.. *fill in the rest*" -thoughts started rising up and they started having a life of their own and something in me believed in these hypothetical constructs and those thoughts started to solidify the idea of personality.. You know, the small "me" living a life and having to deal with all sorts of responsibilities and making decisions which could be wrong and being afraid and imagining how fucked up life could end up as a result.

All of these thoughts started from one job offer that was put in front of me and before I could spell "cat" I had spelled out a whole imaginary life scenario and that bundle of thoughts seemed to mean something at the moment.

Then there was an understanding that I don't actually need to resolve anything. I just have to stop believing in the small "me" that has all these thoughts, fears, aspirations and responsibilities and then all the heaviness just drops because it has nobody to entertain, nobody to audition to. It has never been a matter of resolving any of these situations but just a matter of clear perspective.

After this realisation there was a relaxation and lightness that had nothing to do with the personality. All of these thoughts just became irrelevant. Just now I called to ask for the job and it turned out that the position was filled and all of this was unnecessary to begin with. Now I realise that the only purpose for those thoughts and the heaviness of personality to come was to clarify the difference with the true me and the little personality "me".

At the end of the day it's just a good giggle for the being to see the personal traits trying to take hold and then a return to authentic seeing happens and evaporates all of the worries that for a moment seemed so real and the soul just laughs and says "That was a good one, mind, you almost thought you existed. I also played along a bit for fun to see how deep in silly thoughts I could go before the bubble popped and the attention came back to it's true place. Peace is my nature and here I have never, ever left" The distance from personality to peace is no more than a thought away and even that distance is simply imaginary.

After realising that everything is already perfect there truly is no wrong that can be done and no "bad habits" can make any separation that is needed to overcome. There is nothing that needs to be changed to clear out the path to true self. To believe in that is the same as to validify the existence of the personality just in order to play the game of transcendence.

Now I can do all the things that in the personality would be considered bad habits and realise that even they lose the significance as something that need to be changed. Nothing needs to change in the outer existence at all but yet everything is transformed in the clear seeing and they simply don't have the same effect as before. Sure! Sleep late, drink a lot of coffee, don't exercise! It's only an issue for someone but who wants to be someone anyways?